Finding relationship closure and moving on

Finding relationship closure and moving on

Finding relationship closure and moving on

sword03sIt’s been five years since my divorce.

I stayed with him for better or worse and he left me for, well, that’s a story for its own time. There were many factors that led to our relationship becoming toxic and in the end, we left without much reconciliation. It wasn’t until years after our divorce that I could look back at things and not feel immense pain. At that time finding relationship closure seemed close to impossible.

Wanting closure is understandable. However, attaining it may not always be the best or easiest thing to do. This is especially true when we end a relationship without the ability to see or hear from the other person. Instead, we cling on. We pursue them, press them, and sometimes even follow them around various avenues (such as social media). Ultimately we are hurt again and still questioning why.

Why do we constantly hang on to or chase the things that aren’t healthy for us, that hurt us, or that we simply no longer need? We attach to the unhealthy and the unhealthy clings right back to us. We start to question ourselves: what did I do wrong? What could I have done? What can I do now?

You have to let go. You have to move forward. You have to move on.

Easier said than done, right? Here are five ways to work towards that goal:

maj12s  Visualization: See things as you need to. With visualizing the actual event of closure, you place your mind in a spot to believe that it has actually happened. You see things differently. A common thing to do is the visualization act of cutting cords. Cords are a symbolic link between you and another person. The one that worked the best for me was to imagine I was in front of a bridge, with my ex on the other side. We walked and met at the center of the bridge. I then told him of my pain and why I was hurt. He replied in a manner that I would best respond to. We had our closure. We had our time to face one another, even if he wasn’t really there. Instead of completely cutting the cords, in this situation, I simply allowed them to fall off and diminish on their own. Think of the cord as the umbilical cord that ties a baby to its mother. There is a strong tie between the two and it is only when that cord is no longer there that the child is able to fully survive without the physical attachment. With that said, the stronger form of visualization would be to visualize the cord and cut it off entirely. Blunt force.
maj09s  Meditation: In the beautiful and transforming world of meditation is the act of Metta meditation. This type of meditation is also known as loving-kindness: it’s something you do to create, cultivate, and maintain the feeling of love towards all others. It’s a powerful meditation . Instead of focusing on being in the now, you focus on the person or group to whom you are directing strong feelings of love. One way to do this is to begin your meditation, and then going from 1 to 5, you’ll say focused thoughts. With starting at the top (being you) you create a strong and whole feeling of love that you can bring down — even to that most challenging person. Doing this meditation helps bring closure by letting the person go: you’ll wish them well, bring the focus back on love, and you’ll love yourself more. The meditation can be whatever words guide you, but are generally along the lines listed below:

  1. Start with yourself: May I be happy. May I have good health.  May I be safe. May I have peace.
  2. Follow with those closest to you: May my friends be happy. May my friends have good health.  May my friends be safe. May my friends have peace.
  3. Next acquaintances: May my neighbors be happy. May my neighbors have good health.  May my neighbors be safe. May my neighbors have peace.
  4. Next strangers: May those I don’t know be happy. May those I don’t know have good health.  May those I don’t know be safe. May those I don’t know have peace.
  5. Next, and the hardest, someone who challenges you, drives you crazy, or who has/is hurting you: May my ex be happy. May my ex have good health. May my ex be safe. May my ex have peace.
  6. Finally, send that love to the world: May all beings be happy. May all beings have good health.
cups11s Write a letter: Journaling and writing can be extremely therapeutic. They help you understand, dive into, and deal with your innermost thoughts and concerns. One thing I did was write a full letter to my ex. I detailed how much I missed him, how hurt I was that he left, and shared some memories of the past. I had every intent on sending that letter to him but didn’t realize how much it would help me just to get those words on paper. It was much like talking to someone and sharing with them, without giving away too much or burdening them with the details. One thing that some people do is to get the paper on hard copy, take it to the fire, and let it disappear. With that, you can visualize the pain being burned away.
cups03s  Support network: Having someone you can talk to is critical. This can be a counselor, a group of friends, or even, your tarot card reader. You should never feel as if you are a burden. Your pain is real, and it is something that you shouldn’t have to endure alone. No man is an island, right? I had only a few people who I can really say were my support network, but they were (and are) invaluable.
cups05s  Cry: As my relationship was ending I fell into grief, depression, and deep sadness. I went to a counselor and we discussed many different ways to overcome my hurt. One of the biggest and most important things she told me to do was cry. We all try to be so strong at times, and, of course, bottling things up isn’t the best idea. Holding everything in can lead to more heartache, physical pain, and undue stress. My counselor gave me the permission to cry. Now, don’t get me wrong. I cry for everything. I cry for those really sad dog commercials. I cry when someone is excited that they’ve won something. And, I cry for every_single_Disney_movie. However, my counselor recommended that I set a time each day where I allow myself to cry over my relationship. Just like the five stages of loss, I was suffering from a huge loss in my life and needed to allow myself time to recover.
maj08s Time: Ultimately it will take time. It took two years for me to fully let go, and another two until I could completely look back without any nagging pain or heartache. When you invest so much in someone, you are tied to them in ways that no one can quite understand. Since you are suffering a great loss, it takes time for that wound to heal. You have to allow yourself time to forgive your ex, forgive yourself, re-learn to love yourself, and to put the focus on you. It sucks. But, it’s what we all have to do.

maj15sRelationships are inevitable; so, too, is heartbreak.

But, when it comes along, you’ll have to suffer through it and move forward. The next person will come and you definitely don’t want to carry your pain from your previous relationship on to your new one.

But, when it comes along, you’ll have to suffer through it and move forward. The next person will come and you definitely don’t want to carry your pain from your previous relationship on to your new one.

Many times we don’t need to go into the “big talk”. It leads to less closure, more questions, and more grief. For the most part, you’ll have to find a way to let go, release the pain, and find a way to self-heal. Don’t allow a relationship to be more than it should. If someone no longer wants you in their life, let them go. There are too many people who love you and want you in their life.

Tarot spread for finding relationship closure

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Use this spread to get down to the root of the issue and to find out the best way to move on. Study your results. Meditate on them. Once you’ve got them — trust them. Let them guide you, and let go of what you need. Move forward… don’t look back. 

  1. What can I learn from this relationship?
  2. How can I put the focus back on me?
  3. How can I move forward from this relationship?
  4. What’s stopping me from moving forward from this relationship?
  5. How can I best let go of this relationship?

How have you gotten relationship closure from someone who was no longer around?